« Book Report: The Year the Yankees Lost the Pennant | Main | Puff Piece: Bo Diddley »

Movie Report: Enchanted

So. My Best Reader and I had been looking forward to watching Enchanted, which looked clever and fun. And it was clever and fun, and we both enjoyed it. But nobody wants to hear about that. You all want to hear me rant and complain, don’t you? Look what we’ve come to. We can’t just enjoy a perfectly good movie without becoming incensed, and then, to cap it all, we can’t just enjoy a perfectly good incensation, but have to spread it around Blogovia. Well, fine. I was incensed, OK?

Before the incensage, here’s the plot. OK, never mind the plot. It doesn’t matter. Devil Bunny needs a ham, and for reasons not entirely clear, thinks it will obtain one to take a Disney Heroine out of an animated movie and plunk her into the modern world. Go it? The climax of the movie is at the Kings and Queens Ball, where the modern folk dress up like storybook kings and queens, and it’s held at the top of some tall Manhattan building, because they quite rightly let the art director make the plot decisions at that point, and besides, Devil Bunny still needs that ham, and maybe the ham is at the top of the Empire State Building. Why else would those people be climbing up the outside of the building? Look, you’re not focusing on the incensedom. All you need to know is that there’s a Ball, and a Disney Princess type, unfamiliar with the real world, and—one more thing—the Guy Figure has a young daughter. Eight years old? Something like that. OK? Got it? Question? You, the one wearing a shirt. Yes? No, the Guy Figure has no distinguishing characteristics of any kind. That would ruin the movie. Can we get back to the incensement?

The Disney Princess (who I’ll call Giselle, because that’s the name they gave her in the movie, although, you know, not real important to becoming incensified) goes to the Precocious Girl and says I’m going to the Ball! However shall I prepare? and the Precocious Girl pulls out a fucking credit card, and there follows a montage of the two of them going shopping in fancy Manhattan salons, and getting her hair and nails and makeup done. And then, unsatisfied with this, there follows a tearful heart-to-heart between the Disney Princess (who I guess I’m not going to call Giselle, even though it’s her name, because it would ruin the rhythm of my ranting, unlike, for instance, a bunch of rambling parenthetical met remarks) and the Precocious Girl, where they reveal that neither has ever gone shopping with a mother, and yes, it really is the best thing in the world for a mother and a daughter to buy expensive luxuries on credit.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Neither am I making this up. I’m really not. It’s a very cute, sweet movie, and then wham! a paean to consumerism. And, may I just add, one which has no actual place or meaning in the story. I mean, there is supposed to be some sort of idea that when we get to the ball, all the real, modern folk are dressed as storybook characters, and that the storybook character is dressed like a real, modern woman. Only what she is actually wearing is an unflattering schmatte that, like all modern gowns, is obviously made with storybook princesses in mind, so it doesn’t work. But even if it did, it would work much better to simply have the Disney Princess arrive, unexpectedly, in modern drag, right?

But even if the plot necessitated such a scene, the correct thing to do would be to rewrite the plot so that it no longer necessitated such a scene, because the inclusion of such a scene is obscene and wrong. And I am calling it obscene and wrong without even knowing whether the stores portrayed in the movie as containing the Secret to Life’s Happiness are fictional or real, with Disney making back a large portion of the production cost from the product placement. I’m guessing the latter, but I neither shop in Manhattan nor do I watch much television, where (I’m told) shopping in Manhattan is a frequently depicted activity. Although not, generally, in children’s television. At least, that I’ve noticed.

And then, perplexingly, the Kings and Queens Ball was clearly planned to climax at midnight with the Kings and Queens Waltz, for which the attendees were instructed to find a partner other than the one they had come with. And if that sounds preposterous, I assume its preposterousness was designed to distract the viewer from noticing that the Kings and Queens Waltz was in four-four time. But it was a good movie, and all, other than that sort of thing. So that’s all right, Best Beloved. Do you see?

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,
-Vardibidian.

Comments

Dude. Chill out. Have a Perrier or something.

OK, so yes, I loved this movie for all the same reasons that you did, and I am ashamed to admit that I totally missed the outrage of the shopping scene. I mean, you are correct; it is outrageous. At the time, I thought it kind of dorky and unnecessary, but the outrage just flew right over my head unnoticed. I suppose it is because I am more of a non-consumer than an anti-consumer. Also, I was seeing the movie on a date with my wife and without children. Had my daughter been there, I might have been outraged for her sake, but as it was, I was too blissed out from having found a babysitter and having an actual date with my wife for the first time since cell phones were invented. There was no way I was going to spoil a perfect evening by kvetching about a shopping spree in Manhattan on credit - something my wife would probably enjoy doing very much without her mother, thank you very much.

But yes, you are spot on about the last dance. It was my first comment after the movie. What kind of ball ends with an announcement to dance the final waltz with someone other than the person you came with? It totally destroyed my ability to suspend belief; I found the twenty foot long dragon speaking in Susan Sarandon's voice far more credible.


Whoa! There's a 20-foot-long dragon that talks like Susan Sarandon? That's so hot. I may have to hold my nose through the commercialist outrage, just for that.

Weird, I just looked up the movie online, and I'd never so much as heard of it. That's what I get for having a son and being disconnected from conventional media advertising, I suppose.

peace
Matt


Wow. A ... babysitter? A date? Heck, you got no room to be incensed, there. I believe the phrase is smoke 'em if you got 'em, yes? I was watching the shiny disk at home with my Best Reader and my Perfect Non-Reader, although since she doesn't really like feature-length movies, she had pretty much stopped watching at that point and was wandering in and out of the room, waiting for Susan Sarandon's Wicked Stepdragon to return so she had an excuse for hiding behind the sofa.

And Matt (not hew), the movie worth checking out, I think, and I think there's only the one bit you have to hold your nose through. Although, if you do, double-check me on the four-four time waltz, yes? Like a lot of Adult ContemporaryTM music, I wasn't sure it had a beat at all... I thought the Disney-esque songs, on the other hand, were brilliant.

Thanks,
-V.


Was it this unbearable pap? It's a fast 3/4 time, or possibly a slow 4/4 time with a lot of triplets. Okay, no. It's a fast 3/4.

peace
Matt


Matt,

Is it 6/8? I can't believe you made me listen to that again. Whatever it is, they are not waltzing to it.

Thanks,
-V.


<Nelson>
HA ha!
</Nelson>

Yeah, might be 6/8. Chris is better at musical mechanics than I, I'll ask him.

peace
Matt


Chris's theory is 6/4, but I don't buy it. I'll go with 6/8 for 500, Alex.

Can we talk about something else now? How 'bout the lighting design for that Winter's Tale? Pretty cool, eh? EH?!?

peace
Matt


Matt,

No, you have to listen to the song again. Now go to your room.

Thanks,
-V.


Aw, Dad! You never let me have ANY fun!

MakingmelistentosomejiveassadultcontemporarycrapIllshowhimblastsomebeastieboystheyrecoolfightforyourright

peace
Matt


I vote slow 6/8, and GAH. What was I *think*ing??


Comments are closed for this entry. Usually if I close comments for an entry it's because that entry gets a disproportionate amount of spam. If you want to contact me about this entry, feel free to send me email.