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The Obligatory Mark Sanford Post

Well. It seems obligatory to write something about Gov. Sanford and his Argentine Trail. For those of y’all who don’t follow the news, Mark Sanford disappeared from South Carolina after entering a taxi on west 45th Street. He was discovered fifty years later playing right wing for Spain in the Confederations Cup. He claimed to have no memory of any events after parachuting out of a 727 over Cowlitz County, but had a suspicious tendency to curse in German when clipping his toenails.

When he returned home after the long absence, his wife took him back and the notoriety began to die down. Three years, later, however, he sued to recover money his father had left him, and the real Mark Sanford dramatically arrived during the trial, stumping in on a wooden leg. The story became famous, and Jon Amiel made it into a movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch; the filming of that movie was so contentious that Jon Amiel himself disappeared for fifteen days, later discovered playing striker for Spain in the Confederations Cup.

Meanwhile, the real Mark Stanford went on a tour of Civil War battlegrounds, where he joined up with a team reenacting the Battle of Tierra Blanca. Battlefield medics discovered that he had mysterious healing powers, and working with DNA samples, made the claim that his wooden leg was a part of the True Cross. Propelled by the media clamor, Mr. Stanford easily won the Republican nomination for Governor of South Carolina, and was certified the winner despite reports of voting irregularities. Barnwell, Bamberg and Allendale counties reported a combined total of 17,328,525 votes for Gov. Stanford, against only 34 votes for the Democratic Nominee, John Lansing. Mr. Lansing was expected to appeal the decision, but he dropped entirely out of contact for over three quarters of an hour before being discovered playing wingback for Spain in the Confederations Cup.

Any questions?

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,
-Vardibidian.

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