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Now, it's Mueller Time

My three favorite Yom Kippur jokes:

A young woman is attempting to enter the sanctuary on Yom Kippur. Gronom Ochs, one of the ushers, stops her and demands to see a ticket. She explains that she doesn’t have a ticket, she isn’t a member of the synagogue, but that she was sent from Dr. Hochfleisch’s office with an important message. Gronom tells her that she can’t go in without a ticket. She impresses on him the importance of the message, the urgency, how much Dr. Hochfleisch would want to be interrupted even on this day. Gronom Ochs is impassive. Finally, on the verge of tears, she begs him to let her deliver her message, saying that she will be fired if she returns with it. Well, all right, says Gronom Ochs, but if I catch you praying…

Jerry Mendelbaum comes up to the rabbi in the gap between the afternoon and evening services. Rabbi, says he, You are a fine speaker, but you should work on your range of topics. Why, every time I come in to shul you talk about Jonah!

The Cantor, before chanting Kol Nidre, warns the congregation that they are not there as spectators to be moved by the prettiness of the melody, or by the purity of the voice. His prayer, like their prayer, will be heard through the mercy of the Divine, not through individual merit. Despite all the vocal training and experience, in the eyes of the Divine, he is nothing. The Rabbi adds his two cents: the congregation must not rely on the cantor and the rabbi to intercede with the Divine, to atone for them or to do the work of teshuvah. For all his position and learning, he says, in the eyes of the Divine, he is nothing. In the silence that falls after this display of humility and piety, the shammes is heard saying under his breath: Lord, hear me according to your Mercy and not my merit, for in your eyes I am nothing. At which the chazzan nudges the Rabbi and mutters Nu, look who thinks he’s nothing.

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,


I'd heard the third one, although not specifically a Yom Kippur joke. Hee.

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