(written 4\/1\/90; Webbed 10\/11\/95)<\/p>\r\n\r\n
This is the first in an extremely irregular series of three original Tall Tales I posted to the alt.callahans newsgroup in the early \u201990s. If you\u2019re not familiar with the way alt.callahans works, read the FAQ for background; if you\u2019re not familiar with the Tall Tale concept, read Spider Robinson\u2019s stories of Callahan\u2019s Bar.<\/i><\/p>\r\n\r\n
\r\n\r\n
A lightly-bearded young man in a red t-shirt and bright blue pants steps through the door and nearly drops one of the three gold-and-white pins he\u2019s juggling, but lunges forward and keeps them going. He makes it almost all the way to the bar before completely losing control and dropping all three at once. He picks them up, sheepishly.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cI\u2019m a little out of practice\u2014haven\u2019t kept up with my juggling. Either literally or metaphorically. Could I have a glass of water, please, Mike?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
Mike hands him a glass and takes the proffered dollar bill without comment, although it\u2019s folded into the shape of a ring. \u201cA dollar for a glass of water,\u201d muses the newcomer. \u201cGood thing it\u2019s only virtual money.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
He sits and sips his water while catching up on events. Finally, he steps to the chalk line to speak.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cHi, all,\u201d he begins. \"My name\u2019s Jed; people call me anything from Jedediah (which is my full name) to Jedrian. A couple of you know me, either virtually or in \u2018real\u2019 life. I hung out here for a while, back when this place started, but haven\u2019t had time lately. I probably won\u2019t have time again anytime soon, either, but it is nice to stop in and visit occasionally.<\/p>\r\n
\"The tone of recent conversations here has been pretty serious. In the past ten minutes I\u2019ve heard things from some of you which I probably wouldn\u2019t have heard for weeks outside of here, if at all. In particular, sorry to hear about your mono, Hildebaby; hope you get better.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cBut that\u2019s not what I came here to talk about. I hope this won\u2019t offend anyone who wants to be serious. There was a recent spate of grape puns on our local bulletin boards, and they inspired the following story. I thought I\u2019d share it with y\u2019all.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads aloud:<\/p>\r\n
Once upon a time, in a small English town called Rath, there lived a vintner, a man of Cockney extraction who\u2019d done well for himself, by the name of Corky. He was known far and wide for both his and his wines\u2019 good taste. He had wines for every occasion and to suit every pocketbook; his port wine was as renowned at the nearby \u201c\u2019arbor\u201d (as he called it) as his special starboard wine was (in all the right circles).<\/p>\r\n
But one day, just before harvest, a killer frost hit his vines. His crop was utterly destroyed. The mayor was to come to dinner that night, but he had no wine laid by to serve with the meal. He was sitting out on the front stoop, bemoaning his lot, when a traveler chanced to pass by on a dappled grey mare.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cWhat is the matter, friend? What makes thee weep so?\u201d the traveler inquired. When Corky finished recounting his tale, the man thought for a moment, and then said, \u201cMy horse has magical powers. For a small fee, I will supply you with a good wine.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
\u201cAnythin\u2019 you ask!\u201d said Corky. \u201cBut \u2019ow can a \u2019orse \u2019elp?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
\u201cThe sounds my horse makes are so melodious that they can be caught and distilled into the very finest wine available. Let me demonstrate.\u201d And so saying, the traveler stroked the horse\u2019s neck thrice.<\/p>\r\n
At once, the mare leaned back her head and whinnied beautifully. But the air was so cold that the sound froze solid, dropped to the ground, and shattered with a crystalline crash.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cQuickly!\u201d exclaimed the traveler, picking up the largest splinter he could find. \u201cTake this piece and put it into an empty wine bottle! It will supply you with enough wine to last through dinner.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
\u201c\u2019ere, then,\u201d said Corky, after he\u2019d put the frozen sound safely away. \u201c\u2019ere\u2019s a piece o\u2019 gold now, and I\u2019ll give you another if you\u2019ll come back after I dine tonight, if the mayor\u2019s sympathetic.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
It was hours later when the traveler returned to Corky\u2019s house. \u201cHello!\u201d he called out. \u201cAnd how did milord mayor like my Bessy\u2019s wine?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
Corky came to the porch and cursed, and threw a bottle at the traveler. It hit the road and shattered. Liquid seeped out onto the ground. \u201cYou bleedin\u2019 idiot!\u201d he yelled. \u201cThe mayor said it was a good thing my bleedin\u2019 crop failed, and he\u2019s never comin\u2019 back!\u201d<\/p>\r\n
The traveler, surprised, replied, \u201cWhy, whatever is the matter? I supplied you with the wine you wanted, did I not?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
\u201cOh, you supplied me with wine, all right,\u201d Corky said. \u201cBut it was the wrong bleedin\u2019 kind! We had pasta for dinner, so it should\u2019ve been a red wine\u2014but what you gave me was a shard o\u2019 neigh!\u201d<\/p>\r\n
Jed finishes off his water and tucks the paper back in his pocket, surreptitiously preparing to duck if anyone starts throwing things. He says, \u201cAnd no, I\u2019m not going to try juggling these glasses. My roommate does glasses and eggs and such\u2014says its easier if you know you\u2019d better not drop them\u2014but not me.\u201d He tosses the glass toward the fireplace, where it shatters.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cTo . . . Well, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll say. But a toast anyway.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
He walks back to the bar, where he\u2019d left his clubs lying on the floor. With his right foot, he flips each one into the air, catching the first two and starting to juggle as the third drops toward his hand. He seems pleased that that worked. \u201cNice to see you all again,\u201d he says. \u201cI\u2019ll stop by again soon if I can find the time. \u2019Bye, all.\u201d Whistling \u201cRoseville Fair,\u201d and still juggling, he walks out the door.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"parent":19808,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-19807","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19807","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19807"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19807\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20630,"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19807\/revisions\/20630"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19808"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kith.org\/jed\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}