[Note: This post is not in response to any particular instance; it\u2019s about a longstanding pattern.]<\/p>\r\n
For many years, I\u2019ve been seeing a certain specific kind of response to people expressing pain, and I\u2019d like to respectfully ask people to think carefully about it before giving this particular kind of response.<\/p>\r\n
The pattern goes something like this:<\/p>\r\n
Person A: I\u2019m in distress, and here\u2019s why.<\/p>\r\n
Person B: Sheesh! You shouldn\u2019t be in distress about that!<\/p>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
or:<\/p>\r\n
Person A: I\u2019m worried and uncertain about what I should do in this situation.<\/p>\r\n
Person B: Stop thinking about \u201cshould\u201d! Just do whatever the hell you want to do!<\/p>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
or:<\/p>\r\n
Person A: I feel remorse and regret that I did this thing that hurt someone.<\/p>\r\n
Person B: Stop beating yourself up! Screw them if they felt hurt!<\/p>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
or, more generally:<\/p>\r\n
Person A: I feel bad.<\/p>\r\n
Person B: Stop feeling bad!<\/p>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
In almost all cases, person B is very well-intentioned. They\u2019re generally a friend of person A, and they\u2019re intending to express support.<\/p>\r\n
But their expression of support is phrased in strongly worded terms that read to me as angry or exasperated with person A<\/em>. They\u2019re telling person A that person A shouldn\u2019t feel the way they feel, or that it\u2019s wrong to be conflicted or worried about the thing person A is conflicted or worried about, or that person A is giving too much consideration to the feelings of others.<\/p>\r\n (Note: I\u2019m not<\/em> talking about the situation where person A\u2019s expression of distress is politically problematic and person B is pointing that out. That\u2019s a different dynamic than the one I\u2019m specifically referring to here.)<\/p>\r\n And my point in this post is that if you\u2019re expressing anger or exasperation with person A, it\u2019s worth being aware that person A may not experience that as sympathy.<\/p>\r\n I know that my reaction to this dynamic isn\u2019t universal. It pushes some particular buttons for me that other people may not have. And I\u2019ve seen cases where supportive-but-exasperated comments seem to be exactly what person A needed, to (for example) get person A through a bout of self-hatred, or to get person A to stop fixating on a problem.<\/p>\r\n But for me, these kinds of comments are pretty much never helpful. When I\u2019m person A, what I hear when person B says that kind of thing is \u201cYour unhappiness and distress are bad and wrong! You should feel bad for feeling the way that you feel!\u201d<\/p>\r\n And my reaction to that is to feel hurt and defensive, and also bewildered because I was expressing pain and I feel like I\u2019m getting attacked for it, by someone who I had expected to be on my side.<\/p>\r\n So please, when you\u2019re responding to someone who\u2019s expressing pain or doubt or fear or distress (in a non-politically-problematic way), think about how best to respond in a way that might be helpful to them<\/em>, rather than responding with whatever you happen to be feeling about how they should or shouldn\u2019t be feeling.<\/p>\r\n In particular, consider responding with an expression of sympathy rather than with an expression of anger, annoyance, or exasperation at them. Even if you\u2019re feeling anger, annoyance, or exasperation at them, consider holding off on expressing those feelings in your response to them at that moment. Or at least expressing those feelings gently rather than forcefully. (Unless you\u2019re sure that the person you\u2019re responding to will appreciate a forceful declaration that they should stop feeling that way.)<\/p>\r\n If you\u2019re not sure what kind of response they want, then you can ask. But if your goal is to help them feel better, then you may be best off not leading with telling them their feelings are wrong.<\/p>\r\n [Written in January 2019, but didn\u2019t post at the time. Posting today because I just happened across the draft post, not for any deeper reason.]<\/p>\r\n
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