(By Jed Hartman, inspired by reading a bunch of Marvel comics and summaries thereof this past week.)<\/p>\r\n
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Day 1<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of their both being humble hardworking blue-collar folks from Pennsylvania, one of them is an Asgardian and one of them is a Kree. Even though this was a total surprise, I have an odd sense of deja vu.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 2<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. It turns out that the person who we all thought was Captain America for the past year has secretly been a Skrull. But now the real Captain America has returned and has punched Skrull Captain America really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 3<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. Thanos, the Grandmaster, Dr. Doom, the Beyonder, Galactus, and Surtur teamed up to attack Earth. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, Thor, had to sacrifice himself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 4<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being an Asgardian and a Kree, one of them is a mutant and the other is an Inhuman.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 5<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. The Red Skull and Kang the Conqueror teamed up to use a Cosmic Cube to reshape all of history, and everything was different for a while, until Wiccan changed reality back to what it used to be. Then Iron Man punched the Red Skull and Kang the Conqueror really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 6<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. All of the supervillains who were imprisoned in the Raft escaped and teamed up to conquer the world. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, Captain Marvel, had to sacrifice herself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 7<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being a mutant and an Inhuman, one of them is Krakoa (\u201cThe Island That Walks Like a Man\u201d) and the other is Ultron.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 8<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. It turns out Thor wasn\u2019t really dead; his life-force was just sent to Limbo. He has now magically returned from Limbo, just in time to prevent Dormammu from transforming Earth into a copy of the Dark Dimension. Fortunately, Thor punched Dormammu really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 9<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. Hydra and AIM teamed up to turn all of humanity into robots. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, Black Panther, had to sacrifice himself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 10<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being Krakoa and Ultron, one of them is the High Evolutionary and the other is a mongoose.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 11<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. Mephisto, Malekith the Accursed, and Magneto teamed up to remove the letter M<\/i> from all of the books in Avengers Mansion. Fortunately, the Scarlet Witch restored all of the M<\/i>s in the house and then punched Mephisto and Malekith and Magneto really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 12<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. The Atlanteans and the Shi\u2019ar teamed up to invade the land nations of Earth. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, Professor X, had to sacrifice himself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 13<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being the High Evolutionary and a mongoose, one of them is Luke Cage and the other is Jessica Jones.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 14<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. It turns out that the Captain Marvel who died was really a Life Model Decoy. The real Captain Marvel was away on a space mission and now she\u2019s back. The LMD also came back from the dead, controlled by the Darkhold, and went on a rampage. Fortunately, the real Captain Marvel punched the LMD really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 15<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. The Super-Skrull, Molecule Man, Arishem the Judge, Venom, Apocalypse, the Sentinels, Fin Fang Foom, Stilt-Man, and the Phoenix Force teamed up to destroy, conquer, control, manipulate, trap, rob, and\/or vaporize all sentient beings on Earth. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, America Chavez, had to sacrifice herself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 16<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being Luke Cage and Jessica Jones, one of them is Loki and the other is Loki.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 17<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s events. It turns out that the Black Panther who died was really a clone, the Professor X who died was really an alternate-universe version of himself, and the America Chavez who died was really a time-traveler using chameleon technology. The real Black Panther, Professor X, and America Chavez were all being imprisoned and mind-controlled by Baron Zemo. Fortunately, everyone punched Baron Zemo really hard, so all is well.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 18<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s battle. The Hulk got really mad and tried to smash everyone. We had an epic battle, which we barely won in the end, but our noblest hero, me, had to sacrifice myself that all might live. The whole world is in mourning. At that point Hulk realized the error of his ways and joined the good guys in fighting the real behind-the-scenes enemy, who was secretly Cerebro. So the Hulk punched Cerebro really hard, and all is well. Anyway, it turned out I wasn\u2019t really dead, just in a coma, and then I woke up.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n
Day 19<\/dt>\r\n
I\u2019m still reeling from today\u2019s revelations. It turns out that my parents aren\u2019t who I thought they were\u2014instead of being Loki and Loki, they were humble hardworking blue-collar folks from Pennsylvania.<\/dd>\r\n\r\n