In shul this morning, Your Humble blogger was singing ‘Oseh shalom bimromav’, as I do every week, and thinking, as I have every week for more than a year, about the meaning of the words. Singing more fervently than I did as a kid, you know. And I thought, for the first time in a long time, I want to not think about the words anymore. I don’t want to think about peace anymore, or war, or any of that. A family had come to say Yahrzeit for their daughter, who had died five years ago at twelve years old, and I was brought to tears, almost, by the thought of it, and yet in the middle of that I couldn’t help thinking of the soldiers dying over in Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I was angry. Not the response I want to have.
On the whole, I think I should be praying, when I’m saying the words of the prayer, sure. And I am, these days. But I’d like to think about my own peace, or about my family’s peace, or about my child’s peace. It bothers me that I can’t just ask for peace, I have to ask for an end to the war. But also, well, sometimes I just want to sing the song. Sometimes when I sing “Or Chadash” I think about a new light on Zion, and sometimes I think about the nice tune. Heck, there are songs I hardly ever think about the words to. It’s a long service, I pick my spots. Usually.
I’m not really being affected by the war. I’m in no physical danger, nor will I be. I’m not collecting scrap metal, or buying war bonds, or paying higher taxes. I’m not even doing the things I could (and should) be doing, donating old paperbacks and sending postcards. I’m trying to figure out how to elect a different president, a necessary but not sufficient condition for ending this thing, but I’d be trying to elect the Democrat anyway. So when it comes down to it, I’m just whining that this war is getting on my nerves. I’m well-fed, comfortable, and (all things considered) happy; I’m aware of all that. So please, Gentle Reader, don’t think I assign a great deal of meaning to my complaint, because I know it’s a complaint along the lines of a stubbed toe or a bitter cup of tea. But I would like to be able to sing again without thinking about the words.
Just my thoughts, from one morning’s service.
,
-Vardibidian.
Oseh shalom bimromav hu ya’aseh shalom aleynu v’al kol Yisrael, v’al kol yoshvey teyvail, v’imru: Amen.
May the lord who makes peace in heaven grant peace for us, for all the people Israel, and for all who dwell on this earth, and let us say: Amen.