Worth a thousand words, more or less

Left Blogovia has done a fine job, in its way, of criticizing David Broder’s Time for a Bargain column in this morning’s Washington Post, but for all the words written on the subject, I think Gentle Readers of this Tohu Bohu might get a better idea with a simple diagram. And who is going to draw this diagram? You, Gentle Reader! With direction from me, and apologies to Kevin Smith. Ready?

OK, take a piece of paper and a writing utensil, and draw a vertical line about halfway across the paper. That’ll be a road, all right? Then draw a horizontal line about halfway up the page for another road. The two roads intersect in the center of the page. Got it? Excellent.

Now, at the top of the page, where the road starts, draw David S. Broder. OK? Draw him facing toward the middle of the page. Now, David S. Broder is a very serious man, a pundit-wallah, as they said in the Raj, so resist the temptation to draw him with devil’s horns and a little mustache. Serious. Maybe a necktie. OK? And he’s heading down the road, toward the center. Great. Looks good.

Next, over at the right side, near that end of the horizontal road, draw a White House Official with the inclination and the authority to negotiate with the Democratic House and Senate leadership, to reach a compromise and make Our Only President stick to it. OK? And he’s facing left. He’s ready to negotiate, he’s going to the center, he’s smiling, he’s got—what—a briefcase! Excellent.

Are you ready? Now, down at the bottom, as if he’s walking along the road to the intersection, draw the Easter Bunny. Floppy ears, fluffy tail. If you’ve got colored pencils, you can give it a pink nose. A bow. A bow is important. Eggs, basket. He’s going to the center, too. Everybody wants to go to the center.

Almost done, now. At the left side, again, as if he’s walking on that horizontal road toward the center, draw Santa Claus. Big belly, beard, floppy conical hat with a puff at the tip, sack of toys. Again, if you’ve got colored pencils, some red would be good, but it isn’t necessary. Remember, he’s heading into the center. Center, center, center. It’s all about the center. All done? If you’re not happy with your Santa, go ahead and draw in a speech bubble with “Ho Ho Ho”. That’ll identify him.

All right, so take a look at what you’ve got. David S. Broder, a White House official bent on compromise, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. And they are all headed to the magical, magical center. There’s your diagram. Well done.

Now, the question. Of the four—David S. Broder, the White House official who is going to cut a deal, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus—which one is going to arrive first at that intersection of roads in the center of your page?

Yep, David S. Broder will get there first.

Why?

Because the other three are completely fucking imaginary and anybody over the age of eight who believes in them should be put away where he can’t do any harm.

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,
-Vardibidian.