About letting one’s babies grow up to be cowboys, this Tohu Bohu remains silent

Just because YHB hasn’t done a Top Five in quite a while, here’s the Top Five Bits of Bad Advice in Pop Tunes. This is more or less off the top of my head, and is from songs I know.

• “It’s in his kiss”, from the Shoop Shoop song by Rudy Clark. I agree that eyes will deceive, and that sighs can be make-believe, but kisses are surely the least reliable measure of love. You’re all worked up, and liable to mistake lust for the real thing. And furthermore: it’s in the way he acts. Do not listen to what she says. That’s the way.
• “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover”, by Paul Simon. First of all, the anonymous woman does not actually provide 50 ways, and the few ways she does provide are not useful. She advises him to make a new plan, which is what he was attempting to do anyway; slipping out the back and hopping on the bus are perfectly good ways to have your lover call Missing Persons; and dropping off the key, while reasonable in itself, doesn’t do much to soften the blow. But there’s a deeper issue, here, which is that you should never take romantic advice from an anonymous fling. Also, if somebody tells you that “the problem is all inside your head”, or that she is trying to help you in a “struggle to be free”, do not take that person’s advice on any subject.
• “Express yourself”, by Madonna and Stephen Bray. Although it isn’t explicitly stated, it’s quite clear that by putting “your love to the test”, she is talking about his sexual prowess. Specifically cunnilingus. This is the same problem with the Shoop Shoop song, only worse. Also, “you’ve got to make him express yourself” isn’t even grammatically correct. Now, I’m not saying that anyone should go for second best, but a young woman following Madonna’s advice here is likely to wind up losing some nice guys whose loving could improve over time in a loving relationship, while spending a lot of time with obnoxious guys who are terrific fucks. On the other hand, that may not be the worst way to spend your twenties. I wouldn’t know.
• “Drive Like Lightning (Crash like Thunder)”, by Brian Setzer and his Orchestra. Just not a good idea. Do not race with the devil, speedin’ down the track. In particular, do not do so whilst your girlfriend is in the passenger seat. Middle age isn’t actually that bad. Frankly, you may want to take with a grain of salt any pop song advice about driving. Or about stealing cars. But certainly about racing with the devil. A song called "Don't race with the devil, you moron," might be a bad song, but it would surely be good advice.
• “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”, by Wang Chung. Actually, the having fun part is good advice, depending on the night. It’s the advice that everybody Wang Chung that is a mistake. Do not Wang Chung. If necessary, you may want to tear it up. You may think it a good idea to move it down to the ground. Even the advice to get out what’s inside you is, well, ok, bad advice. But do not, under any circumstances Wang Chung tonight or any other night.

I left “Marry the Man Today” off the list, because it’s a comic song the point of which is that it is such a preposterously bad idea to marry the man today and change his ways tomorrow. Also, a list of Bits of Good Advice in Pop Tunes would likely be short, and include the admonishment not to take your guns to town, to tell her about it, and to stay cool, boy. Also, possibly, to dance, muthafuckah, dance.

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,
-Vardibidian.