Not everything was looted

Your Humble Blogger hasn’t posted in a while—I haven’t had much that was coherent to say, nor time to make anything incoherent into a note anyway. And I tend to post short links and wisecracks in Another Place, since they don’t seem to fit in, here. But when I saw the headline Not everything was looted on a story about the British Museum, after posting it I just kept writing.

Scene: interior, museum. FLACK is standing in front of a large display case of items from the Solomon Islands. Various HACKS with microphones, cameras, etc are gathered in front of her. Slightly to one side is a nervous-looking CURATOR.

FLACK: ...and so, in short, the British Museum wishes to emphasize that there is a range—a broad range—of contexts in which this material is collected.

HACK 1: So you are saying that the works in that case were not looted?

FLACK: There is a range of contexts.

HACK 2: So some of it was looted?

FLACK: There is a nuanced story behind the acquisition of all our materials.

HACK 3: How much of the stuff in that case would you say was looted?

FLACK: I think there is a broader context—

HACK 3: Half?

FLACK: Certainly not half, and—

[CURATOR approaches FLACK and whispers]

FLACK: Your interested readers can come to a lecture series, where there will be time for a fuller—

HACK 2: So more than half?

FLACK: I don’t feel that it’s necessarily productive—

HACK 1: Three quarters?

FLACK: No!

[CURATOR approaches FLACK and whispers]

FLACK: What?

[CURATOR whispers again]

FLACK (to CURATOR): Everything?

[CURATOR whispers again]

FLACK (to CURATOR): What about that other case?

[CURATOR whispers again]

FLACK (to CURATOR): And that room with the South Asian crap?

[CURATOR whispers again]

FLACK (to CURATOR): The _what_ massacre?

[CURATOR whispers again]

FLACK (to HACKS): Hey, look over there—samurai armor!

[FLACK runs away]

And then I kept writing…

SKETCH TWO:

Scene: interior, museum. FLACK is standing in front of a table with a cloth-covered box on it. HACKS again gathered in front of her. CURATOR is at FLACK’s side.

FLACK: Now, there has been a lot of negativism about our Collected Histories project, and I would just like to make it clear that we have many, many items in our museum which are not, and I want to make this very clear, not looted. Here we have one example—just one example—of a magnificent work, really inspiring and informative work that we can assure the public was definitely not looted.

[CURATOR moves forward and removes cloth from box[

FLACK: Now, I know this may not fit with everyone’s agenda, but the British Museum is the place that can tell the full, complex and nuanced history of wonderful items like this…

[FLACK looks at CURATOR. CURATOR shrugs.]

FLACK: This…

[FLACK looks at CURATOR again. CURATOR shrugs again.]

FLACK: This truly fascinating object we are lucky to have before us today.

HACK 2: That’s an exit sign.

[It is.]

FLACK: It is, yes.

HACK 1: An exit sign?

FLACK: You may not appreciate it, but the British Museum’s brief is to put all the world into context, not just the elite so-called masterworks. We tell the world’s story through objects both humble and exalted, sacred and everday.

HACK 3: No, but that’s your exit sign.

FLACK: Indeed yes, the provenance on this item is impeccable and totally, totally without any improprieties of any kind.

HACK 1: You just took that off the wall.

FLACK: I beg your pardon?

HACK 1: Above that door over there, you just took that down.

FLACK: We at the British Museum are constantly rethinking our displays—

HACK 3: No, but you just took that right off the wall and shoved it in a box.

FLACK: The important thing—

HACK 2: You call that a treasure!

FLACK: The legitimate provenance—

HACK 1: It’s an exit sign, mate!

FLACK: Look over there, ancient graffiti with dirty jokes!

And then I realized I hadn’t included the punchline yet:

Scene: exterior, a podium in front of the entrance to the British Museum. FLACK is at podium, with HACKS again gathered in front of her and CURATOR at her side.

FLACK: Today the British Museum is announcing a new—

[KILLMONGER shoots FLACK and destroys entire museum]

CURATOR [shrugs]: It's a fair cop.

…and… cut to commercial.

Tolerabimus quod tolerare debemus,
-Vardibidian.