And then there’s my hair

We went to the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto for dinner the other night. Turned out I wasn't cool enough to get in, but my new haircut was. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to wait outside, but if your hair would like to come in, we can seat it immediately."

(On a more serious note, the food was pretty good—and huge portions—but I was a bit intimidated by the stylishness of the clientele and by how loud the place was (especially after the staff decided it wasn't loud enough and turned on some music). And there was this weird bit when the waiter put his hand on Sonya's back and called her "sweetie." (Something like "Are you done with that plate, sweetie?") He did it again with Kam a few seconds later. I think everyone was too surprised to really react. To me, it sounded like the way one might talk to a small child who one was close friends with. I suspect the waiter had been lulled into a false sense of intimacy with us by having served Ethan on previous visits, or something, but it felt very inappropriate to me (both the term and the invasion-of-personal-space touching), and I got the impression Sonya and Kam were none too happy about it either. Though I may've reacted more strongly than they did, I'm not sure. (The waiter also put his hand on Cameron's back a little later, but didn't call him sweetie.) (When I mentioned this to my co-workers the other day, they suggested that perhaps the waiter was gay and thought we knew that, and so figured he was non-threatening. I'm skeptical, but I suppose it's possible.) Interesting, though: I kinda like it at diners when motherly middle-aged waitresses refer to me with similar endearments or lightly touch me on the shoulder in passing. But even there I'm not sure I'd like "sweetie" per se, at least not in the tone this waiter used, and the hand-on-back for a few seconds might be a bit much, and I think a young man saying "sweetie" to a young woman has different power dynamics anyway.)

But I was going to talk about my hair. In particular, I had been thinking that there were no extant photos of me during my red-hair phase, but then Simon sent us some, and Mary Anne posted them. So you can see for yourself how it looked.

I don't think there are any photos of my new stylish haircut yet. I'll have to try to remember to ask Kam to take some before she leaves town.

5 Responses to “And then there’s my hair”

  1. Heather Shaw

    FWIW, I assumed the waiter was gay based on the “sweetie” comment as well.

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  2. Mary Anne

    Me too. And the only time I’ve had waiters touch me like that has been in very trendy restaurants where they were also clearly gay. It’s a thing — part of the expected culture.

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  3. Jed

    Yeah, if he’d been clearly gay it might’ve felt a little different to me. I’m pretty sure that he didn’t set off any of our gaydar, though (and I think this is a group with pretty good collective gaydar); he may well’ve been gay, but it wasn’t obvious if so.

    Kam says (if I’m remembering right) that she would’ve been similarly uncomfortable even if he’d been obviously gay, for a couple of reasons: (1) he asked something like “How is everything, sweetie?” in a tone that suggested that he didn’t really care how things were, he was just asking ’cause you’re supposed to ask; (2) he leaned way into her personal space to ask; (3) she was in the middle of a conversation at the time, so he was intruding. I think his tone didn’t sound quite as patronizing to her as it did to me, though. And she notes that she was already uncomfortable with the noise level of the place and so may’ve been extra-sensitive to personal-space issues.

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  4. David Moles

    Cheescake Factory.

    Stylish.

    I’m having some real cognitive dissonance here.

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  5. Dan Percival

    I remember a study that came out a little while ago revealing that servers who come down to eye level with customers and make physical contact earn higher tips, on the whole, than those who don’t. I’m having trouble finding the original reference — oh, wait, here it is:

    The effects of the touch manipulation were significant. Customers left an average tip of 12% when they were not touched as compared to 14% when they were touched once on the shoulder and 17% when they were touched twice on the palm of the hand. Subsequent research conducted by different investigators has demonstrated that casually touching customers increases the tips of both male and female servers and that the effect is strongest when servers touch the female members of dining parties.

    From Recruiting and Retaining Restaurant Servers (http://people.cornell.edu/pages/wml3/pdf/Seven_ways.pdf), p. 8, published in Cornell HRA Quarterly, #37 (June).

    It’s possible that your server was trying to play that angle without being perceptive enough to know when it’s alienating to the customer.

    reply

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