14 years
Today is the 14th anniversary of my father’s death.
I’ve been mostly okay the past few days, but kind of fragile and mood-swingy.
Have gotten some important overdue stuff done at work this week, but have also had multiple instances of getting too anxious to read specific emails and thus ending up being later than necessary with things.
Yesterday morning, I saw a lovely and unusually flattened rainbow arching across 101 like a bridge, which lifted my spirits—and then a moment later, Uncle Bonsai’s devastating song “Silent Night,” about the death of a father, came up randomly in my iTunes mix, and I had to skip past it; too intense.
Had a good phone meeting with my brother and a couple of administrators who handle the endowment that Jay set up in memory of Peter, to supply math textbooks to students at Pierce College, where Peter was teaching when he was killed. The money hasn’t been touched in the past several years—I think it fell through the cracks in a change of management at the school—so we’re gradually getting things moving again.
Yesterday afternoon, I was driving again and Leon Rosselson’s song “World Turned Upside Down” came up on iTunes (not to be confused with the unrelated Hamilton song). That song always makes me emotional in various ways, but yesterday it made me cry. Halfway through the song, I stopped at Safeway to pick up some snacks. Inside the store, I happened to walk past a toddler in a shopping cart, who grinned delightedly at me, pointed, and said “Hi!”, and I said hi back, and the world seemed like a better place.
Some other things that’ve helped this week: seeing friends, hugs, sympathy, snuggles, a massage.
Tonight, Kam and I are going to see Captain Marvel; I’m trying not to set my expectations too high, but I do hope it’s good. Tomorrow morning, I’m picking up Mary Anne at the airport and proceeding with her to FOGcon.
Overall, this year the anniversary hasn’t hit me as hard as it sometimes does. But am definitely feeling a little fragile.