Throwing in the hat

The discussion has taken its toll, and I've decided:

I'm declaring myself to be a write-in candidate for the SFWA presidency.

There are many good reasons not to do this, such as the extremely late date. But in the end, I can't stand idly by and watch candidates like John Scalzi and Michael Capobianco duke it out for the SFWA presidency. The question of whether they're qualified or not is beside the point; the point is that they will not represent my interests.

Look: I'm an Associate member of SFWA. That means I've only had one pro sale. Do you think either of these so-called candidates is going to amend the SFWA Bylaws to allow me to vote in the Nebulas? Not bloody likely! And what's the point of being in SFWA if you can't even vote in the Nebulas?

And in my other hat, as an editor, the situation is even worse. Both Scalzi and Capobianco keep talking about doing what's in the interest of the writers, as if anyone cares about that. Feh. Elect either one of them, and soon there'll be writers all over the place who don't know their place. They'll start demanding adequate pay. They'll start insisting on reasonable contracts. They'll start refusing my perfectly reasonable and always 100% correct edits.


Scalzo. Capobianci. They're two sides of the same coin. Vote for me, and I promise to THROW AWAY THE COIN. Or use it to line my own pockets.

Do you want business as usual? Scizlo and Copabancia do.

They talk about how different they are, but then they go and agree on things. Trust me, it's all a conspiracy. The Scalzabianco cartel will just give you more of the same.

Elect me; I will give you LESS OF THE SAME.


You see? Could a so-called "professional" writer have written that line? I THINK NOT!

Remember, Scolzabazinco and their ilk are WHITE MEN. (I haven't met one of the candidates, but I assume he's a white man, 'cause that's the unmarked state. Besides, I have SEEN A PHOTO of him ON THE NET, and THE NET NEVER LIES.) If elected, I TOO PROMISE TO BE A WHITE MAN. But at least I will be aware of my whiteness! And my maleness! The Pocabialzo twins have NOT ONCE pointed out that they are white. NOT ONCE! DON'T BE FOOLED!

Furthermore, both of the "mainstream" candidates are wasting time arguing about things like the use of the word "piracy." I am a "slipstream" candidate, and I won't waste time. I WILL BE A PIRATE! I will attend all SFWA meetings (if I bother to attend at all) IN FULL PIRATE GARB. WITH A PARROT! I will not settle for MERE E-PIRACY; I will insist upon the full gamut, from A-PIRACY through Z-PIRACY. AND BEYOND!



If elected, I promise to lower the barrier to entry of SFWA. Some misguided writers feel that the three-pro-sales barrier is too strict and should be reduced. I see no need to do away with that criterion; instead, I will change the definition of a "pro" sale. I will do so with guidance from the greatest SFWAn of them all, the venerable founder of SFWA himself, Damon Knight. Yes, when I am emperor president of SFWA, a pro sale will be DEFINED as "what we point to when we say 'that's a pro sale.'" And pro payment will be defined as "payment that we consider pro"!

As a result, membership in the organization will triple overnight, I guarantee it. With the funds generated by the membership fees, I plan to FLY TO TAHITI. AND HAVE FUN THERE!

No other presidential candidate has actually promised to have fun. BEAT THAT, CAPOLZI!

Also, I promise to be UNMARRIED, and AVAILABLE FOR FROLICKING. And unlike certain other candidates, I am bisexual, so I will be an EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY FROLICKER!


It is not always a question of the Emperor having no clothes on. Sometimes it is, "Is that an Emperor at all?"


Some may say that the fact that I am a mere Associate member may be a barrier to my attaining the presidency. NEVER FEAR! When I am elected, my first act as president will be to GO BACK IN TIME AND GRANT MYSELF RETROACTIVE FULL MEMBERSHIP!

Okay, maybe that will be my second act. Probably my first act will be to sit in the PRESIDENTIAL THRONE. And LOOK PRESIDENTIAL! And then in the third act, I'll make sure the gun on the wall is fired, to achieve DRAMATIC RESOLUTION!

Can any of the other candidates promise you DRAMATIC RESOLUTION?


So that's my platform. Go vote for me! What are you waiting for?

If you have already voted for someone else, then call up one of the current SFWA people and demand your ballot back, and then rip it up and make confetti out of it to use in the PARADE IN MY HONOR that will occur after I'm elected. Also, be sure to obey the dictates of my other campaign slogan: DEMAND A RECOUNT!

While they're distracted with the recount, I'll slip in and STEAL THE THRONE!

If there isn't a throne, then I'll BUILD ONE.



14 Responses to “Throwing in the hat”

  1. Tom Galloway

    You almost had my support until this line:


    Really, I think you need to stand up and have the courage of your convictions about the lack of women running for SFWA President by getting transgender surgery during the race.

  2. Peter Hollo

    Wow, I’d vote for you.
    In, fact I will! Today, April 1 2007, I will move to America, write a piece of sf and get it published, and join the SFWA, and then vote for you.

    Or, no, I won’t – having done all that, I’ll declare MYSELF a write-in candidate for SFWA Presidency. How could I fail to win?!

  3. silk_noir

    Jed. Lie down, man. Let me put a cool cloth on your brow. Let’s concentrate on breathing, shall we? In through the nose. Out through the mouth.


  4. Anonymous

    Bwa hahahhaha… That was brilliant. 😉 I love it. Happy April Fools’ to you too!! (and an extra, extra, extra late happy birthday! 😉

  5. Wayman

    If your fourth act will be to go back in time and grant me voting privileges, I’ll vote for you!

  6. Tim Pratt

    All hail our new naked overlord!

  7. Mary Robinette Kowal

    Thank heavens! Now there’s a candidate that I can support.

    I’ve given you my endorsement

  8. Cheryl

    I’ve been spending the morning reading various people’s manifestos and at this point I can happily say that you have my vote. The only thing that might change my mind is that I’m considering entering the race myself.

  9. Aliette de Bodard

    I wonder how you can look presidential without any clothes on…
    But that’s a very hilar–convincing platform. I’d vote for you, except I’m not a member of SFWA 🙂

  10. Jed

    Tom: I’m saving that for my re-election campaign.

    Peter: Glad to hear you’ll be running too. Where’s your platform?

    Anne, Anonymous, and Tim: Thanks!

    silk_noir: Lie down? NEVER! I shall stand until the end! Stand for PEACE! For JUSTICE! For TRUTH! And most of all, for CHOICE OF HOW TO BREATHE!

    Wayman and Aliette: I hereby promise to retroactively make EVERYONE WHO VOTES FOR ME into a member.

    Cheryl: I would say thanks, but alas, you have chosen to enter the race, and thus you are henceforth my mortal enemy.

    Mary: Thank you! For anyone who didn’t follow Mary’s link, I’m delighted to see that she created a campaign video for me. (In case anyone missed it, Mary was also the one who created the brilliant Scalzi smear video a couple weeks ago.)

    Also, congratulations to Mary on achieving SFWA membership!

    If anyone’s looking for more SFWA candidates, see Jeff VanderMeer’s candidate roundup. Hoping to see more as the day goes on. It’s always good to know who the opposition is. SO THAT THEY CAN BE CRUSHED!

  11. Spezzatura

    I’m not voting for you, but my cats say they will if ySH publishes one of their stories so they can join.

  12. Cheryl

    Good job I have a can of pirate-repellent bat-spray in my utility belt!

  13. Matthew

    a pro sale will be DEFINED as “what we point to when we say ‘that’s a pro sale.’” And pro payment will be defined as “payment that we consider pro”!

    Send me a pro payment, and you can have my quid pro quo.


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