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Doing okay, mostly

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Today's the fifth anniversary of my father's death.

I had intended to spend some of this weekend fixing some problems with, and posting to, the blog I put together a while back where family members can post memories of him, which I haven't posted to in two years (and which was offline due to technical problems for a long time), but haven't managed to do that, and have too much else to do to get to it tonight.

Also considered making this the day I would finally publicly post the memorial video my brother made in 2005 (as I think Jay said a while back I could do if I wanted to), but there are various obstacles to doing that that I still haven't decided what to do about, so that's not gonna happen either.

The weekend hasn't been as rough as I'd feared. I've been pretty tense/stressed the past couple weeks, as I think has generally been true this time of year the past few years; have been coping even less well than usual with change, with conflict, with personal interaction in general, with minor obstacles and roadblocks, etc. And there's been an unusual quantity of such lately, I think.

(For example: earlier this week, I bought a toilet to replace the guest-bathroom one that broke. Breht started to install it for me, and then noticed that the weird plastic shelf that runs along the bathroom wall meant that a standard-height toilet won't fit in that guest bathroom. I called the place where I'd bought it (they'd been very nice earlier) and asked them if they did exchanges (figuring they probably didn't, but that it couldn't hurt to ask); they quizzed me about all sorts of things about the toilet and the bathroom. I finally asked again if they did exchanges, and they said, "Well, not if it's been opened," in a tone that suggested I was an idiot for asking. They could perhaps have told me that the first time I asked instead of going through all that other stuff. Anyway, I decided to put any further bathroom-related decisionmaking on hold 'til after this weekend; that was the right choice, because dealing with that stuff makes me tense, but it's meant another Unresolved Thing lurking in the background all week.)

So I had kind of intended to spend the weekend rewatching favorite Gilmore Girls episodes and otherwise avoiding any contact with reality or anything that would cause difficulty or stress.

But as it's turned out, the weekend itself mostly hasn't been bad (and I haven't watched any TV since the movie Friday night). There was an unfortunate moment when a particular song came up in iTunes [entry edited an hour later to remove description/discussion, 'cause it was making me stressed; suffice it to say the song in question is the one Judy Small song that I hate, and that it's relevant in a bad way], but I noticed which song it was and stopped it and moved on. Later, a John McCutcheon song about the Amish and forgiveness came on ("Forgive Us"), but I stopped that one before it even started—it's a really stunning song, but I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it in the two years since I bought the album (after hearing him perform it live), and this weekend was definitely not the right time for it.

Anyway. Worked at home on Friday after several unexpected changes and issues came up Friday morning and I realized I wasn't dealing well with them. Friday evening, got enough food (from the closest Chinese place) to last me all weekend, and I've been holed up at home ever since.

Mostly reading submissions and such. Not entirely sure where the weekend has gone. Some email, some computer games. Finally played DDR again for the first time in a couple weeks yesterday; my plan to play 20 minutes a day has not been working out so well. Went through to-do list, moved 150+ past-due items to being due in the future. Spent too long assigning names to faces in iPhoto. Spent a while rearranging apps on my iPhone. Sent about 65 rejections over the past day or two (and my colleagues sent another 60 or so; we've now responded to everything submitted in the first seven days of the year). Did some other magazine administrative stuff. Ran a dishwasher load. That sort of thing. Also had brief phone calls with M and Kam.

Huh. Got all tense and stressed while writing this entry, much more so than has been true so far this weekend. Guess there's more going on in my head than I thought.

Dinner now, I think. And laundry. And Kam's going to stop by to provide hugs.

Then maybe DDR, then some overdue editing. Then taxes, and/or a bath. We'll see.

I guess the short version of all that is: I'm coping, more or less, but the degree to which I'm coping varies from day to day. I'm guessing things'll get easier/better in the next few days.

PS to family: Hope you're all holding up okay. I wasn't up to calling anyone, but hope to talk with you soon.

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