How to write a bestselling fantasy novel
Recently happened across the excellent How to write a best selling fantasy novel. Excerpt:
All Fantasy Lands have every conceivable form of climate and landform—mountains, deserts, swamps, glaciers, forests—arranged randomly across the landscape contrary to any known principles of geography or ecology. Note: All fantasy worlds are roughly square. i.e. the shape of the double page of a paperback.
And:
It will be necessary to create Bad Expendables. These are the orcs, goblins, trolls, dragons, wights or any other creatures that we are happy to kill in their thousands. They are usually black, hairy, sweaty or in some other way unacceptable by middle class Caucasian standards. Often they are deformed, based on the traditional belief that an ugly body reflects an ugly soul. It is our way of doing a service to the sick and disabled by reminding readers that people who are disfigured look that way because they're evil.
It appears to have been written by Australian writer Ian McFadyen. Turns out a bunch of his other stuff online is entertaining too (at least it looks like that's all by him), especially:
- The Universal Walkthrough for all computer games.
- Badguy, "The Magazine for Villains, Archfiends, Mad Scientists, and other Evildoers," featuring (among other items) news from the International Society of Villains: "Last week the Villains Of Developing Nations Council presented a report deploring the lack of non-white villains. . . ."
- The Bastards Incorporated page, featuring various BastardSoft products, most notably (at the bottom of the page) "DUMB. The [computer] game where you're stupid enough to go into an abandoned space station full of toxic waste and pools of lava with roaming mutants and cyberdemons. Why don't you just get the hell out of there?"
- Australian Television Drama for Beginners, which I mention mostly for the great acronym TUBHOG, which stands for "Tough Uncompromising Boss with a Heart Of Gold."
- Hints for Chefs: "French is the preferred language of cooking because is has over 100 words for squishy goo: coulis, roulade, mousse, mousseline, terrine, pate, sorbet, confit, puree etc. If you don’t know French, just stick 'ade' on the end of something."