Manliness satisfies? (NSFW)

I think it's interesting that so much spam is phrased in terms of heterosexual men making themselves better lovers.

A lot of it says things like “satisfy her!” and “make her climax!” and talks about how happy your lover(s) will be with you when you buy whatever it is the spam is selling. There's lots of sex-related spam that isn't phrased that way, but there's a surprising-to-me amount that is.

And it's not just spam; I think there are certain cultural currents (at least in some contexts) to the effect that part of being a Real Man is not just sexual power but sexual prowess—that the goal is not just to satisfy yourself but to satisfy your lovers.

Of course, that's bound up in ideas about what stereotypical straight men think women like. The spam in particular tends to be focused on the idea that having a large penis and/or maintaining an erection for a long time are necessary and sufficient to make a man a good lover.

And as Kam noted when we were discussing this stuff, it's also rooted in the idea that if you have those things, then you will attract women. With the pitiful ordinary-sized flaccid penis you currently have, there's no way you can attract a woman, but if you improve your penis, then beautiful women will flock around you, wanting to have sex with you, so you'll get to have lots of sex. It's unclear exactly how the women will find out that you can now satisfy them; maybe by word of mouth after the first one, maybe by telepathy, maybe you have to brag, maybe you'll just exude an aura of big-dickitude.

Still, I think it's interesting that the phrasing in some contexts is focused specifically on pleasing a woman.

So Kam and I speculated about what spam would be like in a world in which part of manliness was being able to please women in other ways. Maybe something like these:

  • She'll call you giraffe-tongue! Get a bigger and more flexible tongue today, with our little orange-and-black pill.
  • Learn to listen! Our free online classes teach you how to listen to what your partner says to you, and how to ask her what she wants.
  • Be a dish-washing machine! Amaze your girlfriend by doing all of her dishes in no time flat!
  • Play Doctor! This battery-powered device's “sonic” vibrations will make her come so often she'll think she's traveling in time!
  • Woo her like a real man. With our Love Handbook, you'll soon be using words like “caress” and phrases like “Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?” Learn what kinds of flowers are appropriate for a moonlit walk on the beach, and what to do if she has an allergic reaction! Soon your big hard throbbing romantic gestures (like holding a boom-box over your head) will be the talk of the town!

Other suggestions welcome.

(Non-straight non-male suggestions also welcome, of course.)

(PS: Yes, all of the double entendres in this entry are intentional, at least all the ones I noticed.)

One Response to “Manliness satisfies? (NSFW)”

  1. brainwane

    Thank you for the multiple smiles.


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